I wrote here once that I’m more willing to share with people if they matter less. That’s no longer true, not with my people. I want to share everything with them, every single aspect of my life. I want them to see me, all of me, for exactly what I am. I want them to know everything about me. I think it’s because I trust them so completely. They would never hurt me, never, and I know that now all the way through. It is such a wonderful feeling.
Last Tuesday was Taz’ birthday party, though it ended up as more of a goodbye party for me. I hope he didn’t mind, but I don’t think he did. At one point Taz’ dad took a few group pictures of us all. After four or five pictures he said “Now you guys carry her.” They picked me up before I even had time to go “What?!” I squeaked and pulled my arms in close, but I didn’t fight back at all. I honestly didn’t mind at all. I just laughed and laughed along with everyone else, and tried to make myself easy to carry (not that I have a clue how to do that). I remember looking at myself, with my arms crossed over my chest as if I were protecting myself, and realizing that I actually wasn’t protecting myself at all. I wasn’t worried in the slightest that they might drop me, no matter how accidentally. I trusted them fully and completely, without even thinking about it. And though I don’t think that’s necessarily an indication of a more ‘real’ sort of trust – I’ve done trust falls in drama class before many times, and I’ve never had a problem – in this case it is. They will never drop me, however accidentally. Even the paranoid voice in the back of my mind that is convinced everyone is out to get me doesn’t worry about them anymore. Every once in a while it says half-heartedly “It could all be an act – they could just be lying to you,” just to show willing, but it doesn’t really believe itself. In fact the last time it said that was a while ago; it’s probably given up by now.
The only other people I’ve ever trusted this completely are my family. It’s strange to gain another family so unexpectedly, but that’s exactly what my Mao-people are.