I want to be a teenager and totally unreasonable. I want to be left alone. I want my mom not to expect me to know all the rules for the new house, like where it’s acceptable to leave a glass of water, and forgive me for the things I do when I’m not even really awake, like dumping everything from my bed onto the floor even though everything included the towels I’d used for my shower. I want impatience not to be the automatic response when I say I need to do something before we leave the house – yesterday I had to take a shower before we went to lunch, and was waiting for my sister to finish her shower; when she came out, I announced my intention, and my dad snapped at me to hurry up. He apologized later, for which I’m grateful, and I apologized for my furiously indignant response (which was just “I’m sorry” and then stalking off, but words aren’t the only ways to display your ire). Still, I wish he – everyone, really – would realize that I’ve gotten much, much better at not holding everyone up. I was sick, literally sick from the heat. I was dizzy and nauseated. I worried about fainting in the shower. Normally I wouldn’t have taken a shower before going because I knew everyone was hungry, and it’s not like I wanted to keep people waiting. But when it feels like the only thing keeping you from fainting or throwing up or both is splashing water on every exposed patch of skin every five minutes (because it dries in that time), a shower is a priority.
I wish they would see that I’m not all here, that I’ve just moved away from some of the most important people in my life and I need some time to adjust. I wish they would realize that everyone loses their mind a little when they move, and I’m still doing so. I wish they would give me some room.
I’m trying to be considerate too. I know that they love me and they’re trying too, and I know that they’re losing their minds a little too. But I want to be unreasonable. I want to shout and scream and rage at them. I want to be alone. I want to go home. I want to be myself again.