I am such a wreck. It’s annoying me. I’m used to being in control of myself, or at least of having some amount of control over whether I’m happy. This doesn’t mean I can flip a switch and be engulfed by endorphins, it means that most of my truly serious problems – the ones that leave me depressed and doubtful for days at a time – come from within. This means that I can personally change the circumstance or situation that is depressing me. It may be hard, it may even feel impossible, but it’s within my power and no one else’s.
I’m not used to not having that power. I’m not used to depending on other people to change the circumstance or situation. Not that I’d get mad if they did – it’s just always been an internal problem, not external. I don’t let external problems affect me that deeply.
I do mean ‘don’t let’. I don’t allow people to get hold of my heart. It’s not some violent angsty business of pushing away anyone who tries to get close to me – it’s just that I’m a private and reasonably self-sufficient type of person to begin with, and every time someone important to me let me down, I carefully solidified my defenses a little more. By now they’re so strong and well-built that I can show all of myself to the world – all of myself, craziness and flaws and boring bits and all – and not care what they think, because no one can get past my defenses unless I want them to.
Or unless they, like these Mao-people, manage to sneak through without my noticing. I still don’t know how they did that. But now here they are, and though I do my best to still be myself around them, it matters a lot what they think. They each have a piece of my happiness, and they can each break my heart a little if they try. I just have to sit back and trust that they won’t, and it rankles. I don’t like other people having power over me like that.
Worst of all, though, is that I’m not doing anything about it. I’m just taking it. I’m not a person who takes things graciously. Especially because there is a solution: kick them out. Push them away. And I’m not going to, nor will I ever. I’m going to placidly stand by while other people have power over me, and instead of taking it back I’m probably going to give them more.
This is the true reason I’ve been so depressed lately: I don’t have control over my happiness anymore. Not as much as I’m used to, anyway. A couple weeks ago, when I told my friends I was leaving, I saw just how far past my defenses they’d gotten and I was surprised. I realized that leaving them would hurt more than I thought, and I thought I’d dealt with that – so why was I still so upset? On Monday Crash told us that he probably wouldn’t be coming to the school’s end-of-the-year party, and I’d been painting happy pictures in my mind of that party. I spent the rest of the day – the rest of the day – depressed, to the point where I nearly cried when I got home. I was even deeply unhappy throughout all of Tuesday. It was only spending a few hours with my friends after school that cheered me up.
I felt like such a wimp. Such a weakling. Such a frail, useless blob of jelly, totally incapable of getting a grip on herself. And I realized, eventually, that it’s because I can’t do anything about it. I can’t make Crash come to the party – he’s going to be in Sweden that weekend with his family, and I get the impression it’s not something he can change – which means that all my happy pictures have crumbled to dust, and there’s nothing I can do about it. It’s infuriating and it’s confusing, because I don’t know how to deal with it. I have to somehow convince myself to accept this loss of control, and I have to do it fast or I’m going to start getting really irritated with myself.
“Somehow” being my problem.